Sunday, May 30, 2010

Starting over?

It takes seven attempts, on average, to quit smoking. Seven. How many attempts does it take before you officially quit having a weight problem? Or is it a little more complex than that?


I lost 60 pounds a year and a half ago. It was a lot of work but I went into it with an outrageous enthusiasm and I celebrated, week after week, as the pounds slipped away. I followed my husband’s medical weight loss program and was so proud that I was, at the time, his most accomplished patient. I also attended Weight Watchers meetings so that I could have my own sense of accountability, outside of my husband’s accomplishments. I faithfully weighed in each week & I can even remember weeks where I had six pound weight losses that were recorded. I was a ROCK STAR. The compliments came POURING in. People were noticing that I had lost weight and were not only impressed but inspired by what I had done. I was on an emotional and physical high. I was enjoying my new body... I loved looking in my mirror and seeing a younger looking, more angular face. Shopping was JOYFUL as I became able to shop in areas of the store I had been restricted from for so long, because of my size. I was not only exercising, but I was starting to run at the gym and making plans to join some 5k runs. Things were going so well and I had never felt better about myself in my adult life.


... so why did I just quit ...?


I can think of many reasons. Are they legitimate reasons or are they just stupid excuses? Life is always going to throw you curve balls - I suppose it’s up to each person to decide how off track we’re going to get during frustrating times. I just don’t think I was as prepared as I needed to be. When things became frustrating, or difficult, or disappointing, or hard... I turned to the one coping mechanism I was most comfortable with: Food. Being fit and thin are things that are foreign to me- being overweight and eating the wrong things are easy, aren’t they? At the end of the day, when push came to shove, even though my exterior had become smaller and my endurance was better, I was still an overweight person on the inside. And when the person on the inside struggled... I fed her.


So here we are, again. I’ve gained back quite a bit of weight- probably 40 pounds. I’m disappointed with myself and I’m also embarrassed. It’s hard to see people, feeling like they are thinking “wow... she gained it back.” I was even visiting with a patient at the practice who was telling ME about how she had read the “rebuildingamy” blog... and she had no idea she was speaking with the author.


I want to start again. I want to go back, mentally, to where I was eighteen months ago - - but how do I recapture that passion? I can remember being on the elliptical machine at the gym and being aware of how uncomfortable I was but also knowing it was going to get better. Now I’m back again, pretty much at square one. The other thing I need to consider is what I’m going to do, this time, to not make the same mistakes I made before. Even though the main stressor I had in my life before is now gone, there will always be something around the corner that can throw me off track. School gets out next week- I worry about changes in routine... Will Lauren be okay with going to the gym? What if we travel this summer? Will I be able to work out? Can I eat correctly? And what can I do to understand the person inside a little better? I need to get my head around the “why” of obesity so that I can have a better understanding of what my needs are and how to handle them.


At this very moment, I’m getting ready to start. This second, I’m contemplating and preparing. There is a person I am and there is a person I want to be. I’m thankful for who I am- I’m thankful for my life, my children, my husband (who thinks I’m HOT, no matter what size I am!)... but there’s a better life to live. I recently came across a box of photos that have been taken over the 13 years of our marriage. As I looked at each photo, I could see the pain in my face as the pictures were taken. I was uncomfortable with my body 13 years ago, 10 years ago, 8 years ago... a week ago. I don’t want to continue on this path but it’s up to me to make the necessary changes. Got to get my head around it..... again............


14 comments:

Mamaappah said...

So glad to see your back Amy! I think your awesome, and appreciate you putting yourself ,your accomplishments, and your struggles out here to help others. I know you can get back at it, I've started again with the exercising too. It's hard, but then it starts to feel amazing again. I look forward to reading more!

Weight Watcher Wannabe said...

I hear yah....

Matt, Sarah and Evan said...

WHOOOOTTTTT! Amy, you are so inspiring! YOU can make it happen. YOU can do this. YOU will do this! YOU still are (and always will be) a ROCKSTAR!
Should we send Jillian to your house? I think the hardest thing about losing weight is the lifestyle change. Really, there are little things you do every single day that make the BIGGEST difference!
You are not alone in this - there are thousands of others out there struggling with their weight loss/gain failures.
I'm not sure I can say anything to help you - to give you encouragement or to commiserate with you. But, I do know this - you are one of the strongest, most self empowered woman I know! I look to you and see a beautiful woman (both on the inside and the out) who wants more for herself. She wants to feel better and lose weight so she can be a better mother to her children, better wife to her husband, better business woman... better person. Amy, YOU are an amazing woman!

WHY are you doing this? Figure that out, then put that "why" everywhere you can see it. Plaster it on your mirror in the bathroom, put it on the peanut butter jar in the kitchen, on the refrigerator door, on your running shoes, on the rear-view mirror of your car, keep it in the pocket of your pants, etc. That way, whenever you are tempted to not go the gym or eat something bad, you will be reminded of the reason you are working your butt off (literally)!

GO AMY! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!!!

Rachel Garcia said...

Come on you can do, we both need to do it, It is like being an alcoholic and we just have to keep on trying I feel your pain it sucks being fat and you see those girls who can eat anything and not gain an ounce and you think to yourself b@&^$h I am in the boat right next to you and I will be paddling right next to you this summer!

Christina said...

YOU CAN DO IT!

Heather Carter said...

Go AMY! I will be your cheerleader! I've been checking your blog since we first made contact and I'm happy to see you've come back!

You can do it! If you have as much energy and sass as your posts imply then I know you've got what it takes.

Meredith said...

This is me. Thank you for being so honest and for saying this out loud.
I am right now, trying to refind the zen, because I know it is worth it.

I lost 50 lbs. three years ago and gained it back. Then, starting in Jan. 2009 I began WW again and lost 43. Since about October I have slowly starting creeping up. I go back and forth. I have gained 13 back now.

I wanted to tell you that you are worth it and that the hardest part is just taking those first few steps. That after that we build momentum and we push ourselves to keep going.

Let say, we can do it together!

Linda said...

Amy I am right there with you.. I just joined weight watchers for the millionith time this past Thursday... My leader said to think of it like an interstate... we can stop at the rest stops but never take the exit ramp. She is so encouraging but if I already feel like I will fail again... ugh.. I understand the "pain" seen in the pictures all too well. I will pray for you and check in from time to time to see how you are doing.. prayfully this will be it for you and for me..
Blessings,
Linda

Laurens_Closet said...

THANK YOU for your comments! I had no idea that (I think Eric did it) the settings had been changed so that I had to monitor the comments... I thought no one had commented on this post and I was touched to see so many people had come on here! Thanks!! Now I'm going to go back and read each and every post and then I'm going to create a new blog post to let you all know what I'm going to do to "fix this." MUCH love to all of you.... I need the support! OXOXOXOOXOXO!!!

Michelle said...

Amy - I just found your blog & think it is wonderful!! I don't know if you've heard of Bios Life Slim, but I just wanted to mention it. I have had an addiction to food & have been a very strong emotional eater for over 10 years now. I started using Slim almost 6 weeks ago & I have been able to break my addiction to food & have completely stopped eating emotionally. We've had a few very stressful times in the past few weeks in our family & I haven't turned to food at all - and it is all because of Slim.

Slim is a fiber-based powder that you mix with water & drink about 10 minutes before a meal. It has been clinically proven as a safe, natural, healthy way to lose fat & inches, lower cholesterol, and regulate blood sugar levels. It is in the 2010 Physicians' Desk Reference & is recommended by many medical professionals. It has totally changed my life forever. I've lost 11 lbs & 21-1/4 inches in 5 weeks (I do my weight & measurements again tomorrow) & I can finally look at myself in the mirror without crying - even though I still have a LONG way to go since I have about 110 lbs left to lose still.

Anyway, I wish you luck on your journey as I know how hard it can be. Feel free to check out my blog - http://www.healthylifejourney.com - even if you're not interested in Slim (or other products), I'd love more support along my journey.

Michelle

ldsmomof4girls said...

Amy, I had some many thoughts as I read through your posts that I don't even know where to start. But I'll tell you what I see when I look at you, whether sexy and thin or sexy and not as thin...
I have always seen a woman of power in you. A woman who will, come hell or high water, get what she wants. Power doesn't guarantee instant success and success without failure... It, to me, means that you have the endurance to continue towards your goals even if you fall. I fully expect to watch you pick yourself up and start again... making sure that you help anyone else who might have fallen also and get them to come with you because that's just who you are.
You always look like you've got a lot on your mind, and I ALWAYS want to know what it is!
I feel a kindred spirit to you and have since I met you.
And let me tell you something else... You may have inspired many by your previous successes, but watch how much that number multiplies when you lose that weight again and then some after having lapsed. Anyone can succeed once and it can be a fluke. It takes a TRUE WINNER (or BIGGEST LOSER.. I've seen EVERY EPSIODE) to press forward and to push back on life and say "you don't own me... you are MY life, and I choose how it will go."
And I agree with Sarah, and so would Jillian. Find out what makes you want to change, or what is so hard that you want to medicate with food, or sabotage yourself. Why don't you deserve to be healthy and happy with Amy? You do, and you know it, but beat it into your head so that you can always remember it.
I'm there with you too. I have to quit wondering if the girls are okay with going to the gym and tell myself they DEFINATELY won't be okay with me dying early, or having diabetes, or not being able to play with my grandchildren because the disease of obesity has robbed me of life and health.
And while they may not be willing to view things that way now, the time will come when they will be so glad that you made your health a priority, because you will bless their lives and many more that cannot be measured.
You are strong. You are amazing. You are loved. You are going to succeed and there will be many people, like myself, who will be happy to walk next to you as you do it.
Got my walking shoes on.... let's go girl! =)

Jerrie said...

Good for you amy. I am trying to get back to excercising i dance in my garage. this summer I've been gardening but been so busy w/work every time I say I'm gonna something happens! It's been 2 weeks since I've excercised and I can tell a difference in my flabby waist already!
It's hard with young children--one trick I've learned is run/jog while your picking up the house. I can get my heart rate up that way. Maybe you can't because your in better shape. I can get 10-15 minute that way and I jog in place while I fold clothes. Not ideal but better than nothing I figure. My grown kids say yes "in my world" They all have opinions!

Rachael Gullette said...

I feel the same way! This horrible cycle has ruled my life since i was 8 years old- time to break this cycle!!!

Anonymous said...

Amy - just wanted to cheer you on. I actually remember you a little from high school and we share some of the same friends on fb. I kinda accidently stumbled onto your blog through a link to aspen on fb (and i am a bit of a blog addict). I completely understand your struggle as I feel as though I am constantly in that same cycle. I added you to my favorites on my laptop so I could check in on you! Good luck on your journey! Peri Leftwich Wright