It's NOT about the numbers

Summer. I've learned a lot about myself this summer. I've learned that I thrive on routine and summer, for a stay at home mother, is anything BUT routine. I took a hiatus from my weight loss and I gained some pounds. My ORIGINAL weight when I started this blog was 244. The lowest I've been in the last year has been 188/189 (can't remember the specific number...) And today I'm at 205.0. I've heard Dr. Hempel talk about how he will have patients who have lost 50 pounds, then they gain back 15 and the gain is the only thing they comment on. "I had lost weight but I've gained back 15." What about the other 35 pounds you lost??? Doesn't it count anymore?

As of today, I've lost 39 pounds. Yes, I gained over the summer but the most important thing of all is that I'm STILL IN THE GAME. As summer came to a close, I can tell you that my self esteem was in the toilet. I had my "last hurrah" by indulging at the lake on ice cream bars, cheeseburgers, and sugared sodas. I was wearing moo-moo dresses or pants with elastic in the waist. When I walked back into the gym last week, I felt really ashamed. I felt like people were looking at me and all they could see was 15 pounds that had reattached itself to my torso. But I got back on the machines, found my gym friends, and I've gotten back to work.

The cool weather has come back to Klamath Falls and autumn is coming. I'm wearing the same long sleeved work out shirts I wore last year, when I was on my initial 'weight loss high' and dropping pounds rapidly. I'm drinking my Healthwise hot chocolate in the mornings (15g of Protein- you can buy it at Aspen!) which feels familiar and warm. I'm doing an hour of cardio per day and looking towards working out with Nikki, again, in October. I'm finding that 'honeymoon period' again with my relationship to my health and it feels good...

I'm reuniting with the people, places, and things that sparked the incredible success I had exactly one year ago.

But most importantly, I've discovered the numbers on the scale mean absolutely nothing to me. Working out, eating right, being active... all of these things make me feel empowered, confident, and successful. My summertime hiatus made me feel fat and disappointed with myself. I had a daily, non-stop dialogue in my head about how uncomfortable I was and I could feel my success slipping away. I had nothing to be proud of, anymore. People would compliment my weight loss and I felt they were only being polite- I didn't know how to respond... It's not worth it.

Beauty really does come from the inside out and I am certain that 99% of weight loss is MENTAL. If I keep eating right, exercising, and living the way I know I should, people are going to see changes in me no matter what the scale says. When I'm happy, I radiate! THIS lifestyle brings me joy. It takes effort but so does eating junk and beating myself up over it. The choice is simple- I choose to do what's right.

As I sit here eating breakfast...

HELLO Bloggers! Ahhhhhh..... BREAKFAST. The most important meal of the day. I read a quote today that said "A woman is as old as she looks before breakfast." Okay. I'll agree with that one (she says as she straightens her back and smooths her hair...)

Unfortunately, breakfast is also the EASIEST meal to skip. And people also seem to think if they skip breakfast, they are helping themselves lose weight since they are taking in less calories. IT'S THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE. Researchers have found that "forgoing the first meal of the day actually tricks your brain into thinking you want higher-calorie foods -- foods that can make you fat, or at least increase your risk for weight gain." -Kelli Miller Stacy, WebMD Health News

Many times, I have referred to the

food we eat as the fuel we put into our vehicles. You wouldn't start a trip on an empty tank, right? Think about this: you go to bed a 11PM, sleep all night, skip breakfast, don't eat again until lunch time. That's over TWELVE HOURS that you are powering your amazing body on NOTHING. THEN your body says "she's

STARVING us - - reserve all of the fat you can and burn NOTHING." Meaning... your metabolism has sllloooooowwwwweddddd down. And a slow metabolism is not going to help you get back into those size 10 jeans.

With Dr. Hempel's medical weight loss program, higher protein foods are recommended. There are SO many wonderful options out there- I just ran to my pantry and easily pulled out a few. Eggs have 6g of protein, each. There's 13g of protein in just TWO ounces of tuna fish. Light yogurt has 5g of protein per serving. And, my favorite, the protein bars we sell at Aspen have 15g of protein per bar and taste like a TREAT! A single serving of non-fat cottage cheese has 16g of protein... (I had no idea- Googled that one...)

You don't always have to eat "breakfast foods" for breakfast, either. We had grilled pork chops for dinner last night which could have been a delicious treat for breakfast, this morning. Think outside of the box, make a healthy decision, and find what works for YOU!

Now... off to the lake...

Hard.

I have to say- I think the hardest thing about losing weight is keeping your head in the game. Hands down... biggest struggle. It's something that always has to be in the forefront. And being your own cheerleader is hard. We know the rules- burn more then you eat. Stay away from sugars. Stay away from simple carbs. Bulk up on protein. I've got it. You know what I don't have figured out? The why. Why did I gain this weight, to begin with? Why is it that when ten o'clock hits, I'm looking for something to eat? Why did I build this protective suit around me? What is it going to take to peel it off? Hard. Change is also hard and this summer I've had a lot of it. Without going into a lot of detail, I've lost something in my weight loss routine that was very, very important to me. (has NOTHING to do with my husband or Aspen's Medical Weight Loss program- just something personal and, ultimately, insignificant.) And I can let that loss take me down or I can move forward. I have to hold my head up and move forward. Having Lauren out of school also threw my routine. I liked getting out of bed, throwing on my workout clothing, dropping Lauren off at school, & walking in the gym door by 8:30AM. Summers are unpredictable and can throw you some curve balls. But here's the deal: we have an entire lifetime of living in these bodies. And we can't live a lifetime depending on routine to get us through. I've gained about 8 pounds but I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I'm not a failure - I'm human. And at 37, hopefully, I have many more years to work on myself. The important thing is you just "keep on swimming" as Dory would say. (all of you mommies out there know who I'm talking about!) I've heard so many excuses from people over the last few months... so many explanations of why someone has 'fallen off of the wagon'... reasons why people are discouraged about their weight gain... Listen: being healthy is important. We all want to look and feel our best. However- there are going to be days, on occasion, that you need to eat that Twinkie. Eat it and move on. Learn from it. Jobs come and go. Friends come and go. Life comes and goes. I don't want to live my life as a fat person but I'm also not going to live my life counting each and every calorie I consume. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Being fat is hard. Losing weight is hard. Pick your hard. I have not made any major milestones, lately, but I'm still in the game. At the end of August it will have been a year since I started this journey. I've been working out, consistently, for a year. THAT is an accomplishment. I know more about weight loss today then I knew six months ago. PROUD of that. I still have over 40 pounds off of my frame. Good... I need to lose 40 more. I can do it.... I can do it.... I can do it.... I can do it..... I can do it...... 

Let's talk about something that has nothing to do with girth.

I like blogging. I really do. But sometimes I don't have anything to talk about that is weight related. And those of you who know me in "real life" know that I NEVER... EVER... have "nothing" to talk about. So if I open this blog up to discussing things that are not ALWAYS weight related, is that allright? (that's right. I didn't put a space between the words "all" and "right" because I feel this should be a compound word and since this is my blog, I make it so.)

So today I would like to talk about my new favorite household thing... Mrs. Meyer's Clean Day products.  I found out about these products when I was reading Lyn's blog and she was RAVING about the Geranium scented cleaner she had just bought from Mrs. Meyer's and how wonderful it made her house smell. Well, let me tell you, I am a advertiser's dream because it doesn't take much to get me to clicking away on the Internet and whipping out my Visa card if someone says something smells good. I'm a sucker for 1) good scents and 2) quality stationary. I think it's because either of these things will always fit, even on a bloated day. And I also HAD to know what a geranium cleaning product smelled like... right? So I ordered a case of the concentrated all-purpose Geranium cleaner and my house smells SO good. You know, when you walk into a home and the scent makes you instantly think "how does someone make their home smell so classy??" THAT'S MY HOUSE WITH THIS STUFF! I HIGHLY recommend the Geranium scent. 

Well, that wasn't enough for me. I had to investigate and buy more products. I was going to buy some from the website and then I entered my zip to find out there are TWO retail stores that carry this stuff right here in town. I went to Fred Meyers and bought the Lavender scented countertop spray~ DIVINE. And then I went to Greenway's EcoMart and bought the BASIL countertop spray... BASIL??? Are you even kidding me??? HAD to try that one and it's so FRESH and KITCHEN-Y. I'm loving the refreshing scents and... I guess I should discuss whether or not they clean... UNBELIEVABLY. In our new kitchen we have a huge white porcelain farm sink. Did I mention WHITE? I just spray some of the Mrs. Meyers products into the sink and rinse it out and it's CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN. The concentrate is perfect for cleaning the floors... I have even bought the Geranium fabric softener sheets~ I wanna smell like geraniums 24/7. Seriously. 

I am a firm believer in rewarding yourself for losing weight and most of us are used to celebrating with a nice dinner. May I suggest splurging on something you would not typically buy, that may cost a hair more then you are used to spending, that will result in making you feel like a domestic Goddess? Just a thought~  

No Botox for you.

OKAY I'm back. I said I would be and I KNEW I'd hold myself to it since I promised the World Wide Web I'd freeze their foreheads if I didn't blog again. Here's the evidence that I worked out today, too. The neck picture is showing you that I was SWEATY. See, that's the benefit of gaining weight and getting out of shape- you get so much more "umph" out of your workout 'cause you're fat and it's harder to move. You've got to see the silver lining, right?

I weighed in today and I'm happy to say it isn't GOOD but it's not BAD, either. The last time I reported my weight on my blog I was in the 180's again~ I believe around 189. 'Cause I usually start freaking out when I hit the 180's and start sabotaging myself. So today I weigh 195.2. For falling off of the wagon, it's not TOO bad.  I had a pretty good day today~ I worked out for 45 minutes, had some eggs for breakfast, a grilled chicken salad for lunch... a few Gobstoppers... (is that really so bad?) I'm excited to be back in charge of this. Of course, I could beat myself up and think of how good I would look if I hadn't eaten all of that candy and those chocolaty cakes. But when your hand hurts and your kitchen is trashed, I can't tell you how tasty a snake cake is. I digress.

I'm thankful for the fact that now, when I gain 6 pounds, I can feel it. And I don't like the feeling. It's like I'm wearing an extra layer (or five) around my torso. I'm very aware of what's going on. When I weighed 244 pounds, I had a constant dialogue going on in my head about how bad I looked, how uncomfortable I was, that I was the biggest woman in the room... losing weight allowed me to quiet the internal noise. Being a smaller size is nice but feeling good about myself is the best. I'm getting there. 

Getting back to what works.

"I'm too fat to blog."

At least that's what I said when Eric reminded me that it's been a while since I've blogged. And he's right, but what am I going to say? "Well... I ate total crap today..." or how about "I've been to the gym TWICE this week! WOO HOO!!!" It's hard. Staying on top of this is hard work. I've gained about 10 pounds- at least that's what the scale said when I was on it about 2 weeks ago. (again, with the hiding.) 

Am I giving up? HELL NO. I'm restructuring. There was a time that I was painfully aware of everything I was eating. There was a time when I was disappointed with myself if I didn't get to the gym FIVE days a week. There was a time I was EXCITED about weight loss. There was a time I had my head around what I needed to do. THAT is what I am getting back to.

Did Dr. Hempel fail me? (are you kidding me...?) No. Did Weight Watchers fail me? Nope. Was it my kitchen remodel and car accident? I like those excuses but, no... I just got my head out of the game and went back to some old habits. And that's all right- I'm human.

So here's the deal: I'll forgive myself and move forward if you agree to do the same. As I've been on this journey, I've said the same thing more then once~ it is what it is. And the best part of this is that I'm not starting over at 244 pounds. At least I don't think I am... ; ) 

I am going to blog again, tomorrow, with my CURRENT WEIGHT. It's time to get real, again, and back to what has worked in the past. And that would be 1) eating correctly and strategically 2) exercise and 3) accountability. I have things coming up that I need to look good for and I need to keep that in mind, right? It's only the beginning of June... I have a LOT of bathing suit time left for the summer of 2009. We're going to Disneyland in the beginning of October, for goodness sake. 

I'll be back tomorrow~ pinky swear. If I'm not back on here tomorrow with my CURRENT weight, it's free Botox for all of you.

New Post

The words "NEW POST" on my blogger dashboard are calling me. So I clicked on the NEW POST option, not even knowing what I am going to say tonight. Usually I have a plan- a little dialogue set up in my mind before I start typing but tonight... tonight it's all off the cuff.

I believe things are straightening out in the Hempel world. As I have mentioned in the last couple of posts, life has taken a few difficult turns that have put me to the test regarding discipline and routine and, honestly, I think I could have done better. But the good news is I also could have done worse and I'm still here, right? I'm THRILLED to say our kitchen remodel is almost complete and I'm excited about a new place to have a fresh start in making some amazing meals to feed my little family! I've wished and waited for this kitchen for SO long and it's funny... now that it's here, it intimidates me a little bit. I'm not quite sure about where to put things... I don't feel comfortable in there, yet... It'll come, though. 

I have not weighed myself in about a month. That's REALLY not good. However, I am feeling better about my body and realizing that I am back to losing weight and getting into shape so I am ready to step on the scale this week. As I have said SO many times: it is what it is. I'm not perfect but I'm also not 248 pounds, again, either. So there. 

I'm looking forward to summer. I've already warned Lauren that I have commitments this summer that include teaching Weight Watchers two days a week and working out MOST days but I also have plans for her and for Corbin to do some fun and AMAZING things and I promise she'll have a good time. It's a give and take deal and I think she gets it. Lauren's birthday is on June 6th and we are taking the kids to a water park to celebrate. Eric said "are you going to get into a bathing suit?" And I was all "of COURSE I will- we're going to a water park- what else would I wear? Are YOU getting into one???" (in other words... suck it.) I have not been to a water park since I was a teenager and I'm looking forward to the trip! 

That's all I have for tonight~ I hope all of my friends who stop by here are all staying on course with your goals. It's hard, at times, isn't it? But being healthy... losing weight... staying active... is the right thing to do, don't you agree? And there are going to be months that I am a ROCK STAR at this thing and there will be times I'm feeling a little weak. But at the end of the day, at the end of the week, at the end of the month... the year... I'm here. And THAT is what counts.