"You see who's putting in the effort here & who isn't. That scale is not going to lie for you."
Today was my weigh in day & I lost a whopping ONE pound. (I'm now at 193.) I always have the same reaction, "that's all right... I'm working at it... " But here's what hit me tonight when I heard the statement above:
Am I really working at it? Or have I become complacent?
It's time for the truth and the truth is I could be working harder at this. I have come a LONG way. Don't get me wrong. But I have also become comfortable with the weight loss I have achieved. And I am, consciously or unconsciously learning to accept the "new me" and live in this 193 pound range. Now the question is:
Is this where I want to be? Am I satisfied and happy being a 193 pound woman?
(again, let's be real here, Amy...) No. I did not begin this journey to be complacent. I did not go this far to decide 193 pounds is acceptable. I have to say that I am certain there is something in my brain that has thrown up a road block with my weight loss. I truly AM satisfied with the level of activity I have been doing. I believe that an hour of working out, each day, is sufficient and something to be proud of. And I know when I work out that I walk out of that place having put in my all, drenched in sweat, feeling proud of my efforts. The weak link lies with my food.
I am not being honest with myself about what I am eating.
Have I "fallen off the wagon?" Absolutely NOT. In some ways, what I have been doing is more dangerous then that. I am justifying what I eat. I'm not eating the CRAP I would eat before- no gas station food is passing my lips. However, at 11PM when I have a craving for crackers and cheese, I will eat 6-8 while thinking "cheese has protein & I'm eating a correct portion size." Tonight when I HAD to have a bowl of ice cream because I really wanted it. I thought "I worked out today & I don't eat this kind of thing all of the time." It's like I'm giving myself permission to do things that I KNOW I SHOULD NOT BE DOING. I am congratulating myself for what I have accomplished, my exercise and weight loss, by EATING.
Could this have been a behavior that contributed to me becoming so
overweight in the first place?
Examples from my past: 1) OH! We are going on a road trip so I can have a bag of Cheetos, some Twinkies, and wash it all down with a Mountain Dew! Or... 2) gosh, we had a hard day... let's go out to dinner. And... 3) let's go to the store & get some snacks & hang out on the couch tonight!
These are all legitimate reasons to eat whatever I wanted to without abandon, right?
How about this- I deserve to get out of this fat suit. Eric deserves to have a wife who is beautiful and fit. Corbin & Lauren deserve to have a mother who is athletic & healthy.
Dang, Amy. I need to restart this process. I need to quit patting myself on the back for my 51 pound weight loss and set the dial back to zero. I need to wake up tomorrow thinking "I'm 193 pounds- what am I going to do about that" instead of checking my new, smaller butt out in the mirror all of the time. (although I have to say, it IS really cute, now.)
I believe I have had one of those Oprah "light bulb moments" tonight. When you know better, you do better. No more excuses and no more permissions. I need to make some goals.