Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The scale is not going to lie for me.

I have really gotten into watching the Biggest Loser on NBC since I've been working towards changing my life. As I was watching tonight, one of the contestants said something that really hit home with me:
"You see who's putting in the effort here & who isn't. That scale is not going to lie for you."
Today was my weigh in day & I lost a whopping ONE pound. (I'm now at 193.) I always have the same reaction, "that's all right... I'm working at it... " But here's what hit me tonight when I heard the statement above:
Am I really working at it? Or have I become complacent?

It's time for the truth and the truth is I could be working harder at this. I have come a LONG way. Don't get me wrong. But I have also become comfortable with the weight loss I have achieved. And I am, consciously or unconsciously learning to accept the "new me" and live in this 193 pound range. Now the question is:

Is this where I want to be? Am I satisfied and happy being a 193 pound woman?

(again, let's be real here, Amy...) No. I did not begin this journey to be complacent. I did not go this far to decide 193 pounds is acceptable. I have to say that I am certain there is something in my brain that has thrown up a road block with my weight loss. I truly AM satisfied with the level of activity I have been doing. I believe that an hour of working out, each day, is sufficient and something to be proud of. And I know when I work out that I walk out of that place having put in my all, drenched in sweat, feeling proud of my efforts. The weak link lies with my food.

I am not being honest with myself about what I am eating.

Have I "fallen off the wagon?" Absolutely NOT. In some ways, what I have been doing is more dangerous then that. I am justifying what I eat. I'm not eating the CRAP I would eat before- no gas station food is passing my lips. However, at 11PM when I have a craving for crackers and cheese, I will eat 6-8 while thinking "cheese has protein & I'm eating a correct portion size." Tonight when I HAD to have a bowl of ice cream because I really wanted it. I thought "I worked out today & I don't eat this kind of thing all of the time." It's like I'm giving myself permission to do things that I KNOW I SHOULD NOT BE DOING. I am congratulating myself for what I have accomplished, my exercise and weight loss, by EATING.

Could this have been a behavior that contributed to me becoming so
overweight in the first place?

Examples from my past: 1) OH! We are going on a road trip so I can have a bag of Cheetos, some Twinkies, and wash it all down with a Mountain Dew! Or... 2) gosh, we had a hard day... let's go out to dinner. And... 3) let's go to the store & get some snacks & hang out on the couch tonight!

These are all legitimate reasons to eat whatever I wanted to without abandon, right?

How about this- I deserve to get out of this fat suit. Eric deserves to have a wife who is beautiful and fit. Corbin & Lauren deserve to have a mother who is athletic & healthy.

Dang, Amy. I need to restart this process. I need to quit patting myself on the back for my 51 pound weight loss and set the dial back to zero. I need to wake up tomorrow thinking "I'm 193 pounds- what am I going to do about that" instead of checking my new, smaller butt out in the mirror all of the time. (although I have to say, it IS really cute, now.)

I believe I have had one of those Oprah "light bulb moments" tonight. When you know better, you do better. No more excuses and no more permissions. I need to make some goals.

More tomorrow~


carla said...

heres to rebooting.
and O AH HA! moments that do last a lifetime.


Rebecca said...

In my opinion, this is your best post yet.

You have done SO SO SO well with your 51lbs loss but like you said you are not content to stay 193 forever so there IS a long way to go. I just started losing weight a few weeks ago and I am currently 193. We are the same weight at different stages in our journey so it will be interesting to see if we progress similarly.

Hopefully we can be inspiration to each other as we get closer to the 150s as further from the 200s.

Anonymous said...

Great post!!! I know exactly what you mean!! By the way you look awesome! Just think how cute your butt will look at 180-...170...160..

Katschi (Karen) said...

We are sneaky people in our heads with the snacky snacks & "reasons" for eating sometimes.
You know, it was probably a good thing to get comfortable for awhile at your new weight. Now you're energized & motivated to continue.
The pics of you sitting at the desk are really eye opening as to how much of a difference 51 pounds can make.

Anonymous said...

You look wonderful! The pics DEFINITELY show a *shrinking* woman and you sound as though you are taking the fork in the road towards a healthier life - gotta love those light bulb moments :-)Much success to you in 2009 from one mom getting healthy to another.

Lyn said...

What a great post! I loved all the pictures but the last one at the desk is AMAZING. What a difference. Keep on going... we all slip and fall, just remember, "if you get a flat tire, do you get out and slash the other four? NO. You fix the flat and Keep going!" (Jillian Michaels)

Leelou Blogs said...

I REALLY needed that tonight! I just started a new diet on Monday and I find myself trying to look for EVERY single loophole I can. I justify the fact that I worked out a little harder today so if I have a little bit of ice cream it won't matter...My life seems even harder when I try to diet because I am too busy concentrating on the things that I CAN'T have, so I want them even MORE!! What to do...

Merry Mary said...

I totally know what you mean.

You have done really well so far and even though you aren't content with where you are yet, you will get there.

Also, I love your blog! You are sooo cute!

suzanne said...

Found your blog thru someone elses! Hope it's okay that I am looking at it. Way to go on your healthy attitude. It's inspiring. And by the way, I didn't even recognize you at my daughters reception. I am so so sorry! You look marvelous!

Kiki said...

Great post and amazing pictures! LOVE the before and afters. Visual, for me, is a huge motivator!

Tami said...

oh my goodness- I totally needed to read this today! Thanks for this!

Molly said...

You need to get some sponsors for your blog. Seriously, I think some people would be interested in sponsoring you. You are very interesting, funny, honest and inspiring to your readers. I want to see you hit the 180s!

The Duckworth Family said...

I totally get the same way. Losing a pound every week thinking I'm doing great, especially when you hear people at the meetings not losing any, but I totally agree that I can always do better! I lost 1 1/2 this week and that was having a 2 hamburgers on two different days, and eating about 20 points worth of cookies! Had I not done thos things....maybe it could have been 3 pounds! I have a goal of about 6 more before my pregnancy will keep me from losing more and I am determined that I have to work harder if those goals are going to be reality! thanks for the inspiration and reminder!