Monday, September 7, 2009

It's NOT about the numbers

Summer. I've learned a lot about myself this summer. I've learned that I thrive on routine and summer, for a stay at home mother, is anything BUT routine. I took a hiatus from my weight loss and I gained some pounds. My ORIGINAL weight when I started this blog was 244. The lowest I've been in the last year has been 188/189 (can't remember the specific number...) And today I'm at 205.0. I've heard Dr. Hempel talk about how he will have patients who have lost 50 pounds, then they gain back 15 and the gain is the only thing they comment on. "I had lost weight but I've gained back 15." What about the other 35 pounds you lost??? Doesn't it count anymore?

As of today, I've lost 39 pounds. Yes, I gained over the summer but the most important thing of all is that I'm STILL IN THE GAME. As summer came to a close, I can tell you that my self esteem was in the toilet. I had my "last hurrah" by indulging at the lake on ice cream bars, cheeseburgers, and sugared sodas. I was wearing moo-moo dresses or pants with elastic in the waist. When I walked back into the gym last week, I felt really ashamed. I felt like people were looking at me and all they could see was 15 pounds that had reattached itself to my torso. But I got back on the machines, found my gym friends, and I've gotten back to work.

The cool weather has come back to Klamath Falls and autumn is coming. I'm wearing the same long sleeved work out shirts I wore last year, when I was on my initial 'weight loss high' and dropping pounds rapidly. I'm drinking my Healthwise hot chocolate in the mornings (15g of Protein- you can buy it at Aspen!) which feels familiar and warm. I'm doing an hour of cardio per day and looking towards working out with Nikki, again, in October. I'm finding that 'honeymoon period' again with my relationship to my health and it feels good...

I'm reuniting with the people, places, and things that sparked the incredible success I had exactly one year ago.

But most importantly, I've discovered the numbers on the scale mean absolutely nothing to me. Working out, eating right, being active... all of these things make me feel empowered, confident, and successful. My summertime hiatus made me feel fat and disappointed with myself. I had a daily, non-stop dialogue in my head about how uncomfortable I was and I could feel my success slipping away. I had nothing to be proud of, anymore. People would compliment my weight loss and I felt they were only being polite- I didn't know how to respond... It's not worth it.

Beauty really does come from the inside out and I am certain that 99% of weight loss is MENTAL. If I keep eating right, exercising, and living the way I know I should, people are going to see changes in me no matter what the scale says. When I'm happy, I radiate! THIS lifestyle brings me joy. It takes effort but so does eating junk and beating myself up over it. The choice is simple- I choose to do what's right.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for your inspiring words. I think we all have something in our lives that we are trying to overcome or accomplish or beat - the important thing is not reaching that destination, it's learning how you reached it so you can maintain it!
Thanks so much for opening your thoughts to us! I know I feel inspired and empowered by your thoughts. I totally miss you and hope you know what a truly valued and treasured friend you are!

Anonymous said...

Just came back from the lake myself and was embarrassed that I could not resist my sister-in-laws cake! I felt like everyone was watching to see what I ate..... the cake just had all the right combos, a little salty a little sweet. I tried to fit in extra exercise to compensate for the cake. I rode my bike, walked and even ski-ed. It was a great weekend, but I made some bad choices and knew it when I made them. Dealing with the guilt now and found encouragement in your post! Thanks for keepin it real and good luck on your workouts!

Anonymous said...

So happy to see your new post and such an inspiring one at that! I am in the same, exact shoes as you weigh-wise. I am back to work at it too. I figure instead of my "winter coat", I got a "summer coat" instead. LOL

Looking forward to reading how getting back into your fall/winter routine is going :-) All my best to you!

Kristi said...

You're back! I'm so glad! I check in on you from time to time, and have been worried about you.

You're right, weight-loss is so much more than just that number on the scale. My weight-loss started out that way, but then I really focused on just being HEALTHY. And while the numbers on the scale are an indicator of if you're in the "healthy" weight zone, they don't tell the whole story.

Don't beat yourself up too much, ok? Get back on the track to being healthy, and realize that you'll have bad days, bad weeks, and yes, sometimes even bad seasons.

My weight-loss/exercise is on hold because I'm 5 months pregnant. As ridiculous as it sounds, I still weigh myself every single day, and seeing the numbers go up on the scale is SO hard for me. But I know I'l be back on track after the baby is born. And plus, I keep telling myself I'll never be able to eat like this again, so enjoy the brownies while you can. :p

I look forward to your future blogs!

katieoz said...

i don't know exactly how I found your blog but I am encouraged and inspired by you. I'm a sahm who lives in her head where it seems to be a constant negative flow of self-talk and/or just feeling so aware of myself in a negative way because of how my body is. To see where you are right now, how you've stuck with it all and come to a conclusion so much grander than numbers on a scale is something I want to aspire to as well.

The Duckworth Family said...

I hadn't looked at the blog for a long time, so when I thought about it I got all excited that there will be many inspiring posts to read. Alas I was dissapointed! Even though, I hope things are going well and we miss hanging out with you guys! I was thinking about you today as I picked up Laurens part from the primary program in the chapel. Did you need that? Hope she is loving school and that you are finding plenty to keep you busy! I started WW again which I was very happy about and had a good start. Let's hope it continues that way. I also found a work out partner which is even better news! It feels sooooo good to be back going consistenly in the mornings, I get such a better workout an such a better start to my day. Talk to you soon!